today i had a test to see if i am experiencing early menopause. then a surgeon felt my boobs and said they were all good and nice. then i went and bought (and carried all the way home) two 9 kilo weights. tonight i used them while lying on my bed. my arm and shoulder muscles are alive! it feels fucking great to have four main joints in my body that aren't totally ruined yet. my shoulders and my elbows are really good considering. the arthritis has only crept into them in the past 6 months or so. i'd like to keep them from getting any worse. we'll see though. also i bought dinner at gopal's. for me and my sweetheart. and i made us salad and collapsed on the couch and didn't move for many hours.
now, i am in bed and noukie is here and the rain has been falling and the sky is moving and the wind spirit has been blowing everywhere.
last night i dreamed about her for the first time in ages. it felt wonderful and real in the dream, she was actually engaging with me emotionally and mentally, but i woke up. i was filled with a feeling of loss and sadness. what occurred made me feel insecure about having disabilities and living with chronic illness, it fills me with sorrow that it's the only way some people can understand me; as a sick or broken thing. in a way, i am glad for having my eyes opened to how some people view me in such strange and incomplete ways. i know who i can trust with my truths. and not. i'm over it all. my heart will always carry a mark from it though.
now: schmoke for helping stupid physical things.
tomorrow: charles. then sommer. then sleep.
i still miss you, always.
love.
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