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Sep. 14th, 2005 02:03 amsometimes i find it hard to marry my being "lesbian" with my desire.
there is a part of my self that gets very critical when i realise my desire/attraction for tranny bois, transmen and ftm.
i think, oooh a lesbian must not be attracted to anything that appears to be masculine.
and then i catch myself also realising my desire to express my masculinity, ftm just seems to encapsulate that desire nicely.
i have been listening to stories of young transmen about where they are at, how they got there, where they see their futures. before i got my period, i was convinced i would transition to male when i was an adult. it got much more complicated by labels. i love being a girl too. i like to be a girl sometimes. but there is this part of me that will never go away, a part of me that knows he is not necessarily being honored. but i don't know how to do that, how to honor that masculinity inside.
part of me fantisizes - get a binder, or better yet, cut my boobs off. take t and hear my voice the way i know it should sound. but i don't think i am that good at commitment. definately not.
so. how do i stay true to myself? how do i stay a womyn but also be boi sometimes too? i haven't worked that out yet. and what of my lesbian identity and my lesbian family? how does this all work? i don't know. at least i wrote it down tonight. it's taken 30 years.
there is a part of my self that gets very critical when i realise my desire/attraction for tranny bois, transmen and ftm.
i think, oooh a lesbian must not be attracted to anything that appears to be masculine.
and then i catch myself also realising my desire to express my masculinity, ftm just seems to encapsulate that desire nicely.
i have been listening to stories of young transmen about where they are at, how they got there, where they see their futures. before i got my period, i was convinced i would transition to male when i was an adult. it got much more complicated by labels. i love being a girl too. i like to be a girl sometimes. but there is this part of me that will never go away, a part of me that knows he is not necessarily being honored. but i don't know how to do that, how to honor that masculinity inside.
part of me fantisizes - get a binder, or better yet, cut my boobs off. take t and hear my voice the way i know it should sound. but i don't think i am that good at commitment. definately not.
so. how do i stay true to myself? how do i stay a womyn but also be boi sometimes too? i haven't worked that out yet. and what of my lesbian identity and my lesbian family? how does this all work? i don't know. at least i wrote it down tonight. it's taken 30 years.
