spiral, down

i woke up from a dream about revelations.

i was naked, exposed. afraid of what they would do to me next. waiting. eventually i found people who had the courage to speak up, rise up, act up. so i decided to speak up about what they were doing to me. what this man was doing to me. i had been diving through sand, turning tricks, doing whatever he told me, just so i could stay alive.

after i faught back, and spoke up and in turn escaped, i walked out of that place with nothing but a huge fat python draped around my neck, i supported it's heavy, heavy body with my arms. the python was very important. i felt honored to carry it. it was warm and fat. i handed it over to the man who was to carry it home and then i woke up.

i woke up and called my mother which is probably best not to do. i always tend to forget this when i go to call her. obviously. i called her and asked for a favour. i wanted to know if she would share two hours with me this week sometime. she ended up saying she didn't have time for me. it is so heartbreaking, and i don't know why i keep trying. everytime i try to reach out to someone i love, i am ignored or rejected.

m. you gave birth to me, left me at the hospital and now you can't even spare two hours of your week for me.
x. you abandoned me in the most disrespectful way. i can't understand what i did to deserve this.
b, i've seen you once since you got back to australia.
s. it feels like all you wanted me for was to amuse you while b was gone.

pull your heads out of your arses and take responsibility for what you've left behind. stop thinking with your cunts.
i'm not a fucking piece of rubbish you leave lying on the ground.
i have a heart and soul.

forget about it. i am a fucking grumpy little shit.

mucous mucous everywhere

fact: mucous appears at the onset of classic migraine

i have it pouring out of my nostrils, my bowels and my eyes. it's fucking insane. i haven't eaten dairy in days. i don't understand where it all comes from. and why it hurts so much.

my poor bottom.