49 reasons, all of them good ones
Aug. 30th, 2005 09:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
the rain is falling down hard outside.
earlier, my heart sank like a lead weight when i saw a photo of her with him. i felt sick, even. it all feels like the woman's wailing in the great gig in the sky. nothing is real anymore.
i just fucked off pink floyd and am now listening to you're welcome from smiley smile, that great beach boys album. i got a room with a light and a matress and a cat and a salad.
the past two days have been death. too much. not being able to move, speak, rise. i had migrainous visions this morning. i looked outside and saw movement, but nothing was identifying. it was all flat too. maybe like an animation. my brains are so fried.
today i decided i will probably leave everything behind me and fuck off to somewhere i know will welcome me. in a week or so, i'll disappear. it's for my own good really. i'll come back before the appointments start to get really full on. hopefully a bit stronger than i am now. i'll be thinking of trace and our secret plans for 2007, i'll sit in the cabin while the wind blows about me outside, i will make the fire last for 7 days and never let it go out, and i will paint and draw and play guitar and sing and be worked on by bear. this is the one place i never took her, but always had planned to. it will never happen now. she'll never know the way it feels to be loved by the deua in the dead of a summer's night. she'll never have her face lit by sparks from the fire i built. she'll never see the stars hanging above, or the ghost horses that gallop over stockman's plain in the middle of the night walking back to the cabin from bear's.
i was meant to be in san francisco right now. i was meant to be on the way to burning man with two people i loved. then she told me not to bother coming.
and so here i am.
calm, calm: alone.
Her world collapsed early sunday morning
She got up from the kitchen table
Folded the newspaper and silenced the radio
Those creatures jumped the barricades
And have headed for the sea, sea
Those creatures jumped the barricades
And have headed for the sea
She began to breathe
To breathe at the thought of such freedom
Stood and whispered to her child: belong
She held the child and whispered
With calm, calm: belong
Stood and whispered to her child; belong
She held the child and whispered
With calm, calm: belong
These barricades can only hold for so long
Her world collapsed early sunday morning
She took the child held tight
Opened the window
A breath, this song, how long
And knew, knew: belong