secret feelings

[owly]

i’m not sure i know how to keep living. the pain is ever growing, my system is staying so down that i can’t help but sleep for 20 hours a day. blisters all over my mouth. on my lip. a cyst or tumor growing rapidly on my jaw, i wake up because it is hurting me. golden staph. more pain. more drugs. i don’t know what the point is now. i haven’t any reason. i feel like my body is spiralling further and further down and it will die soon. i have tears. there is nobody i can ask for help anymore. inside, i am dying. i don’t know how to move from here. do i just wait in bed for death to come and find me? or do i keep trying to live a pathetic life of four hour days filled with physical pain, self hatred and dependance on others? i wonder if unsick people ever think about how lucky they are? to be able to do things. regular things. everyday.

Comments

[velitu.livejournal.com]

well that's gotta suck! its so gaddamn hard when your body betrays and imprisons you. i spent a couple of years sleeping pretty much 20hours a day and being unable to escape pain too. it sucks. a lot. (neck injury)

luckily for me (and yes i do think about it!) i am pretty much better.

have you tried meditation?

[not-in-denial.livejournal.com]

*HUGS!*

I know some of that pain, I do, though not as well as you do.

A life of four hour days is still a life, even if it does involve pain, self hatred and codependance. But there's still things that can be done around it, if you have a good support network of people who believe in you, care about you, and understand you. I mean...I know I'm just a 'net friend, but I still care, and I'm still around for talking if you want.